The Maverick Tribe

In our last episode, the Democratic primary season had wreaked havoc, self-righteousness, and indignation upon the land:  Geraldine Ferraro hurling insults!  Bill Clinton exploding at the press!!  Leaflets critical of Hillary's health care plan raining down on Cleveland!!!  But when it was over, the good citizens of America thought they were safe.  Little did they know their peace-loving nation would once again be plunged into...

The Umbrage Wars!

General Election Edition!

Starring...

Barack "Ironman" Obama!

John "The Hulk" McCain!

With......

Wesley "Hancock" Clark!

And...

Bill "The Dark Knight" Clinton!

Soon after Obama clinches the nomination, the skirmishes begin...

McCain not like this slick, fast-talking newcomer Ironman Obama.  Ironman Obama misrepresent McCain plan for Iraq!  Ironman Obama promise to accept public financing and then change mind!  Upset McCain delicate sense of pride and honor!  How dare he!  Plus Obama too much of a pussy to do town hall meetings with McCain.

How dare you call me a pussy, McCain!  Look, I honor your military service, getting tortured and all that geezer hero stuff.  I was like six at the time - what do you want from me, a medal?  Anyway, tell your Republican pals to lay off my wife!  That's out of bounds!  She's my one and only woman...this week.  By the way, Scarlett Johannson?  Listen, sweetheart, it's over.  We had a few laughs, but you're as yesterday as Obama Girl!  Try Johnny Edwards - I hear he's lonely these days.  And don't let the door hit you on the way out!

But Ironman Obama!  I made a music video for you and everything!...(Sob!)

Lay off Obama wife?  How dare you!  Democrat allies hassle McCain rich wife to release tax returns!  And Ironman Obama know nothing about military!  McCain lead squadron!  McCain get shot down in Navy fighter jet!

Aw shove it, McCain!  And stop that pimpin' out your big military service.  Wooooo wooooo!  Last I checked, gettin' shot down over some jungle in 'Nam wasn't a qualification to be President.  Some of the rest of us can stop a speeding train without trippin' and gettin' all green and shit!

Hancock Clark!  How dare you!  McCain...getting...angry...McCain...very...angry....McCain SMASH Hancock Clark!  McCain demand Obama cut Clark loose!

Whoa, whoa, settle down, big guy!  He can't "cut me loose", McCain.  I'm freelance, baby!  By the way, I thought Ang Lee's McCain was way more fly, yo!

Ang Lee McCain independent and tragic and appealing to effete intellectuals!  New McCain HATE old McCain!  New pandering McCain DESTROY old maverick McCain!

Now, now, McCain, settle down.  I feel your pain.  Hey, look what Ironman Obama did to me during the primary.  He implied I was a mediocre president!  How dare he!  And I've been brooding about it ever since Hillary lost.  If he wants me to help him win the general, he can kiss my ass first!  Alfred, release a perfunctory one-sentence statement of support to the press.  That'll show him!

Next episode:  Ironman Obama enlists the help of his old nemesis, Hillary "Catwoman" Clinton!

During the primary I said Ironman Obama was less prepared to be commander-in-chief than McCain.  Now I'm behind Obama 100 purrr-cent!  Does he dare trust me?  MEOW!

"Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I like to fuck dolls. See ya Monday."

"This may explain the enormous, dead hooker we saw yesterday."  

For those of you who haven't picked up a New Yorker in the last couple years, a little background.  The New Yorker has a regular feature where they publish one of their iconic cartoons sans caption.  So what you get is a drawing of something incongruous or absurd, and readers submit suggestions for a funny caption.  The editors then publish the three cleverest submissions, and then the readers vote for their favorite.

The feature has become quite a hit, so I guess it was only a matter of time before someone developed the Anti-Caption Contest.  Basically, the contest is:  What is the most terrible caption you can think of?  Morbid, puerile, overly literal... there are many strategies.  I have to say the results had me rolling on the floor.  A perfect marriage, I suppose, between my egghead-y and depraved sides.  Here are a few others I thought were particularly special (perhaps a regular feature on this blog?):

"Why, I just got out of a toxic relationship, and I could really use a drink! No, but seriously, there was a chemical spill over on 43rd and hundreds are dead. I'm surprised you haven't heard."

"What do you think this is, fucking Highlights?"

"Nice parking job, asshole."

I'm so ashamed!

But if I can't drink coffee, shop at Whole Foods, watch Jon Stewart, read David Sedaris, have black friends, and eat sushi, what else is there to DO?!

When Fox News isn't engaging in political pornography, they're indulging in a little good ol' fashioned T&A porn:

Brought to you by Philip:

If you missed the Fox News GOP presidential debate tonight, congratulate yourself.  I don't care if you spent that 90 minutes with the TV off, listening to Yanni, and picking the lint out from between your toes, it was probably more edifying than the debate.  Having just watched it, I'm now sitting here intellectually bewildered and catatonic.  What's worse, I fear the Fox News tractor beam has me in its grip.  Right now they're showing slow-motion footage of Dick Cheney fly fishing and I can't seem to change the channel.  Must....reach....remote....

Ok that's better.  Anyway, if you missed the debate, here's the boiled down version (as presented by Maverick Tribe):

Fred Thompson:  What this country needs is more school choice, more market solutions, and more, uh, more...(looking down at notes)...oh yes, and more platitudes.  Hillary Clinton is evil and Ted Kennedy is fat.

Mitt Romney:  I believe in strengthening America so that it's strong, with strong principles key to a position of strength.  And you know what's not strong?  Weak things, like HillaryCare, which, despite being modeled on my health care plan in Massachusetts, is government-run socialized medicine, whereas my plan is strong.  Did I mention Hillary bad?

John McCain:  I hate Mitt Romney.  And Hillary.

Ron Paul:  I tried to stop the Iraq War!  And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you darn kids!

Duncan Hunter:  In order to prepare for the presidency, I've waxed my eyebrows into the shape of Mr. Spock's.  A vote for Hillary Clinton would be illogical.

Mike Huckabee:  Don't be fooled by my sunny, folksy demeanor.  I hate Hillary more than any of these pussies.

Tom Tancredo:  Hillary Clinton is probably an illegal alien.

I know you were concerned about little Sean Preston and Jayden James.  Thankfully, an African couple has agreed to adopt them.