The Maverick Tribe

The Umbrage Wars!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Thu, 3 Jul 2008 16:50:00 +0200

In our last episode, the Democratic primary season had wreaked havoc, self-righteousness, and indignation upon the land: Geraldine Ferraro hurling insults! Bill Clinton exploding at the press!! Leaflets critical of Hillary's health care plan raining down on Cleveland!!! But when it was over, the good citizens of America thought they were safe. Little did they know their peace-loving nation would once again be plunged into...

The Umbrage Wars!

General Election Edition!

Starring...

Barack "Ironman" Obama!

John "The Hulk" McCain!

With......

Wesley "Hancock" Clark!

And...

Bill "The Dark Knight" Clinton!

Soon after Obama clinches the nomination, the skirmishes begin...

McCain not like this slick, fast-talking newcomer Ironman Obama. Ironman Obama misrepresent McCain plan for Iraq! Ironman Obama promise to accept public financing and then change mind! Upset McCain delicate sense of pride and honor! How dare he! Plus Obama too much of a pussy to do town hall meetings with McCain.

How dare you call me a pussy, McCain! Look, I honor your military service, getting tortured and all that geezer hero stuff. I was like six at the time - what do you want from me, a medal? Anyway, tell your Republican pals to lay off my wife! That's out of bounds! She's my one and only woman...this week. By the way, Scarlett Johannson? Listen, sweetheart, it's over. We had a few laughs, but you're as yesterday as Obama Girl! Try Johnny Edwards - I hear he's lonely these days. And don't let the door hit you on the way out!

But Ironman Obama! I made a music video for you and everything!...(Sob!)

Lay off Obama wife? How dare you! Democrat allies hassle McCain rich wife to release tax returns! And Ironman Obama know nothing about military! McCain lead squadron! McCain get shot down in Navy fighter jet!

Aw shove it, McCain! And stop that pimpin' out your big military service. Wooooo wooooo! Last I checked, gettin' shot down over some jungle in 'Nam wasn't a qualification to be President. Some of the rest of us can stop a speeding train without trippin' and gettin' all green and shit!

Hancock Clark! How dare you! McCain...getting...angry...McCain...very...angry....McCain SMASH Hancock Clark! McCain demand Obama cut Clark loose!

Whoa, whoa, settle down, big guy! He can't "cut me loose", McCain. I'm freelance, baby! By the way, I thought Ang Lee's McCain was way more fly, yo!

Ang Lee McCain independent and tragic and appealing to effete intellectuals! New McCain HATE old McCain! New pandering McCain DESTROY old maverick McCain!

Now, now, McCain, settle down. I feel your pain. Hey, look what Ironman Obama did to me during the primary. He implied I was a mediocre president! How dare he! And I've been brooding about it ever since Hillary lost. If he wants me to help him win the general, he can kiss my ass first! Alfred, release a perfunctory one-sentence statement of support to the press. That'll show him!

Next episode: Ironman Obama enlists the help of his old nemesis, Hillary "Catwoman" Clinton!

During the primary I said Ironman Obama was less prepared to be commander-in-chief than McCain. Now I'm behind Obama 100 purrr-cent! Does he dare trust me? MEOW!

California High Speed Rail!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Wed, 2 Jul 2008 03:00:00 +0200

I'm working on a passenger rail project for the urban planning think tank SPUR, and I came across this promotional video for the California high speed rail proposal, funding for which is on this November's ballot:

Today's words of wisdom

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:45:00 +0200

"Obama is like that new big dark spot on your arm that finally sends you to the doctor for some real medicine."

- former Klansman David Duke, commenting on the presumptive Democratic nominee

Today's New Yorker anti-caption

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:50:00 +0200

"Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I like to fuck dolls. See ya Monday."

Al Gore's rhetorical misstep

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:05:00 +0200

Al Gore's endorsement of Obama today opened to mixed reviews, with many mocking it for its anti-climactic and uncourageous timing. Myself, I don't begrudge Al Gore playing it safe this time around. He is now a senior statesman, regarded by many as the rightful heir to Bill Clinton's legacy, stripped of his crown by the Bush thugocracy. His endorsement of Howard Dean in 2004 turned out to be the beginning of the end for Dean. Given this bitter history, he had reason to remain neutral during this year's Democratic primary.

I saw some of the speech this morning and I'm expecting the highlight of it to be the sequence introduced with the appeal: "Take it from me, elections matter". What followed were generous helpings of the usual legit anti-Bush grievances: Iraq, Katrina, economic woes, environmental degradation... and then this:

If you care about food safety, if you like a “T” on your B.L.T., you know that elections matter.

If you bought poisoned, lead-filled toys from China or adulterated medicine made in China, if you bought tainted pet food made in China, you know that elections matter. After the last eight years, even our dogs and cats have learned that elections matter.

Al Gore, are you kidding me with this shit? So bad tomatoes are Bush's fault? As if there isn't enough Bush bashing material out there, you have to make a stretch to contaminated vegetables and Puppy Chow?!

I can practically hear the gleeful derision coming out of the conservative blogosphere as I type this. Al Gore, still bitter about 2000, is now throwing rotten tomatoes at the president, they'll say. This, of course, will overshadow all the important stuff, and any possible bump to Obama. Nice job.

New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 23:10:00 +0200

"This may explain the enormous, dead hooker we saw yesterday."

For those of you who haven't picked up a New Yorker in the last couple years, a little background. The New Yorker has a regular feature where they publish one of their iconic cartoons sans caption. So what you get is a drawing of something incongruous or absurd, and readers submit suggestions for a funny caption. The editors then publish the three cleverest submissions, and then the readers vote for their favorite.

The feature has become quite a hit, so I guess it was only a matter of time before someone developed the Anti-Caption Contest. Basically, the contest is: What is the most terrible caption you can think of? Morbid, puerile, overly literal... there are many strategies. I have to say the results had me rolling on the floor. A perfect marriage, I suppose, between my egghead-y and depraved sides. Here are a few others I thought were particularly special (perhaps a regular feature on this blog?):

"Why, I just got out of a toxic relationship, and I could really use a drink! No, but seriously, there was a chemical spill over on 43rd and hundreds are dead. I'm surprised you haven't heard."

"What do you think this is, fucking Highlights?"

"Nice parking job, asshole."

Clinton as VP?

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Fri, 6 Jun 2008 10:10:00 +0200

Salivatory speculation about vice presidential picks bores me. At the same time, no one is more poetic when it comes to the Clintons than George Will:

Clinton, having risen politically in her husband's orbit, is a moon shining with reflected light. Were Obama to hitch himself to her, he would reduce himself to a reflection of a reflection.

Then there's this elegiac from South Carolina:

The week before South Carolina voted was the week when, at last, even some Democrats noticed. Noticed, that is, the distinctive cloud of coarseness that hovers over the Clintons, seeping acid rain.

That cloud has been a constant accouterment of their careers, and has been influencing the nation's political weather for 16 years. But by the time Bill Clinton brought the Democratic Party in from the wilderness in 1992... Democrats were so grateful to him, and so determined not to resume wandering in the wilderness, that they averted their gazes to avoid seeing, and hummed show tunes to avoid hearing, the Clintons' routine mendacities.

Do these two evoke "change we can believe in"?

We did it

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Tue, 3 Jun 2008 20:50:00 +0200

I say "we" because I'd like to think I played some tiny role in the nomination of the Senator Barack Obama as the Democratic candidate for the American presidency. I made my share of phone calls to voters in California and Nevada, promoting the Senator and getting out the vote. But I was joined by an unprecidented movement many millions strong, 1.5 million financial supporters, and an array of grassroots activists rising up to the seemingly insurmountable institutional Clinton advantage and carrying the day.

The remaining argument against same-sex marriage

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Thu, 29 May 2008 22:45:00 +0200

Not because it's judicial activism - because it's likely to win a popular vote in California. Not because it's bad for children - because that has been disproven by the facts. Not because it's an extension of the sexual revolution - because marriage of any kind discourages promiscuity and self-centeredness. Not because marriage has a consistent definition historically - because the Mormons, Warren Jeffs and old European aristocracy say otherwise.

Same sex marriage is wrong - just because.

Hey - I think they're talking about ME!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:40:00 +0200

Can anybody get me the Cowboy Hat Guy's number?

Your daily dose of Clinton bullshit

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:50:00 +0200

Enjoy:

OMG! His middle name is HUSSEIN!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Sun, 25 May 2008 16:50:00 +0200

As the Clinton campaign complains about the media's sexism and compliments Fox News for the fairest political coverage this year, it's important to remember all this:

(But I still think Obama has to engage Fox directly instead of shutting them out.)

Classy

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Sun, 25 May 2008 16:40:00 +0200

Fox News never disappoints:

Whoops!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Fri, 23 May 2008 15:55:00 +0200

Looks like I have something in common with Mrs. Clinton: today we both brought up the specter of an Obama assassination - in my case it was intentional, in her case as a result of the following comments in response to a question about why she remains in the race against very long odds:

My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June. We all remember how Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.

So is Mrs. Clinton hanging around in hopes that Obama gets shot? Not even I think she's that evil, but it's a very, very unfortunate comment indeed - right up there with Mike Huckabee joking about Obama having to dodge a bullet at an NRA event.

It's startling how few outside the African American community appreciate the real danger of an Obama assassination, isn't it?

McCain's health is none of our business

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Fri, 23 May 2008 11:30:00 +0200

I know I'm in the minority in saying this, but isn't there something a little lurid and crass about our quadrennial fetish with presidential candidates' health records? John McCain has just released his after a good amount of harping about it by the media, but, personally, I'd rather not know, and I'm sure Sen. McCain would rather not have us know. Don't get me wrong - I love transparency. Let me see your tax returns (Cindy McCain? We're still waiting!), your campaign contributions, the power lunches you've had with unseemly lobbyists. But let's keep our prostate enlargements to ourselves, shall we?

Belying their powerlessness over metaphysics, many Americans want to believe they're voting for someone who will finish out their term still breathing (at which time we can resume poking our noses into all of their bodily cavities should they choose to run for reelection). But let's look at history. In the last hundred years, only four presidencies have met with untimely ends: Nixon's, JFK's, FDR's, and Warren Harding's. And Nixon's downfall wasn't even health related - unless you consider sociopathic paranoia to be a medical condition. Kennedy concealed an array of serious health issues, but his most problematic turned out to be a bullet through the brain.

Before the era of television, things apparently worked a bit differently. Roosevelt died early in his fourth term at a time when Americans probably would have reelected his cryogenically frozen head, had it been on the ticket. And back in 1923, Harding died of a heart attack. (Who knew?)

People die. The old generally keel over more than the young, but that's far from certain when it comes to presidents. If I were a betting man, and a morbid one at that, I'd wager that the 46-year-old Obama has more to worry about than the 71-year-old McCain. Bullets, after all, don't do age discrimination.

Ockham's razor in Kentucky

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Thu, 22 May 2008 23:10:00 +0200

Why does Barack Obama lose so badly in West Virginia and Kentucky?

All things being equal, the simplest explanation is the most probable:

(Brought to you by Al Jazeera - the politically correct mainstream media fails to do this type of basic journalism.)

Stop letting Hillary Clinton lie

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:35:00 +0200

Perhaps in deference to her dignity in the final days of Mrs. Clintons dying campaign, the press is letting her lie repeatedly without correcting the record. When Mrs. Clinton says, daily, that she is ahead in the "popular vote", this is not the "Clinton campaign's position", it is not their "argument", it is not even political spin. The claim that she has more popular votes is an objective falsehood, and I simply can't understand why the media doesn't call it this. Even if you ignore the debatability of what the "popular vote" actually means in many states' complex caucus systems, the notion that Mrs. Clinton is "winning" is flatly untrue because it counts votes cast in the Florida and Michigan contests.

In order to count the results of Florida and Michigan, they need to be actual Democratic (and democratic) primary elections. An actual D/democratic primary election is not one in which the candidates have previously agreed that it wouldn't count. It is not one in which no one is allowed to campaign, run ads, hold rallies, and generally make their case to the voters. And it is not one in which many of the primary contestants do not even appear on the ballot for Christ's sake. To say that Hillary Clinton is ahead in the popular vote is to say that no one would have voted for Barack Obama had he been on the ballot in Michigan.

It is legitimate and correct to say the DNC fucked this one up. It is legitimate and correct to say that Michigan and Florida should have a say in the Democratic primary. It is even legitimate and correct to say the Obama campaign should have cooperated more in efforts to stage a fair re-vote. But it is neither legitimate nor correct to say that the votes that did happen give Mrs. Clinton any kind of popular vote "lead". In fact, it is an outright lie.

And it makes me want to barf.

McCain 1, Obama 0

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:20:00 +0200

To the extent that the general election has begun, Barack Obama is losing. He supports a $300 billion farm bill Congress sent to the president last week - a bill that expanded subsidies to a variety of food growers and agribusinesses and is a marvel of special interest handouts, corporate welfare, government waste and irresponsibility, and politics as usual. In short, everything his campaign supposedly stands against.

John McCain, as expected, was one of the few who voted against the bill, which passed with a veto-proof majority.

Yesterday, David Brooks had an excellent column on the gap between what Obama says and what he sometimes does.

For shame!

The biggest buffoon in politics

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Thu, 15 May 2008 23:35:00 +0200

Watch till you can't stand it anymore. I got suicidal around the two-minute mark.

Gavin Newsom was right

noreply@blogspirit.com (Jake) — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:45:00 +0200

The majority Republican California Supreme Court has just ruled that the state's ban on same-sex marriages is unconstiutional. A backlash constitutional amendment is in the works for this November. Six months away - a long six months.