The Maverick Tribe

In our last episode, the Democratic primary season had wreaked havoc, self-righteousness, and indignation upon the land:  Geraldine Ferraro hurling insults!  Bill Clinton exploding at the press!!  Leaflets critical of Hillary's health care plan raining down on Cleveland!!!  But when it was over, the good citizens of America thought they were safe.  Little did they know their peace-loving nation would once again be plunged into...

The Umbrage Wars!

General Election Edition!

Starring...

Barack "Ironman" Obama!

John "The Hulk" McCain!

With......

Wesley "Hancock" Clark!

And...

Bill "The Dark Knight" Clinton!

Soon after Obama clinches the nomination, the skirmishes begin...

McCain not like this slick, fast-talking newcomer Ironman Obama.  Ironman Obama misrepresent McCain plan for Iraq!  Ironman Obama promise to accept public financing and then change mind!  Upset McCain delicate sense of pride and honor!  How dare he!  Plus Obama too much of a pussy to do town hall meetings with McCain.

How dare you call me a pussy, McCain!  Look, I honor your military service, getting tortured and all that geezer hero stuff.  I was like six at the time - what do you want from me, a medal?  Anyway, tell your Republican pals to lay off my wife!  That's out of bounds!  She's my one and only woman...this week.  By the way, Scarlett Johannson?  Listen, sweetheart, it's over.  We had a few laughs, but you're as yesterday as Obama Girl!  Try Johnny Edwards - I hear he's lonely these days.  And don't let the door hit you on the way out!

But Ironman Obama!  I made a music video for you and everything!...(Sob!)

Lay off Obama wife?  How dare you!  Democrat allies hassle McCain rich wife to release tax returns!  And Ironman Obama know nothing about military!  McCain lead squadron!  McCain get shot down in Navy fighter jet!

Aw shove it, McCain!  And stop that pimpin' out your big military service.  Wooooo wooooo!  Last I checked, gettin' shot down over some jungle in 'Nam wasn't a qualification to be President.  Some of the rest of us can stop a speeding train without trippin' and gettin' all green and shit!

Hancock Clark!  How dare you!  McCain...getting...angry...McCain...very...angry....McCain SMASH Hancock Clark!  McCain demand Obama cut Clark loose!

Whoa, whoa, settle down, big guy!  He can't "cut me loose", McCain.  I'm freelance, baby!  By the way, I thought Ang Lee's McCain was way more fly, yo!

Ang Lee McCain independent and tragic and appealing to effete intellectuals!  New McCain HATE old McCain!  New pandering McCain DESTROY old maverick McCain!

Now, now, McCain, settle down.  I feel your pain.  Hey, look what Ironman Obama did to me during the primary.  He implied I was a mediocre president!  How dare he!  And I've been brooding about it ever since Hillary lost.  If he wants me to help him win the general, he can kiss my ass first!  Alfred, release a perfunctory one-sentence statement of support to the press.  That'll show him!

Next episode:  Ironman Obama enlists the help of his old nemesis, Hillary "Catwoman" Clinton!

During the primary I said Ironman Obama was less prepared to be commander-in-chief than McCain.  Now I'm behind Obama 100 purrr-cent!  Does he dare trust me?  MEOW!