The Maverick Tribe

Hey blogosphere, what do you think?  Should I submit this little diddy below to the Onion?  (If you want a challenge while you read it, see if you can identify the true vs. made-up parts.) -- MT

BREAKING NEWS:  Virulently Anti-Gay Senator is Indeed Straight

In a discovery that sent shock waves though the heterosexual and homosexual communities alike, gay activist Mike Rogers claimed on his blog today that he has conclusive evidence that the routinely anti-gay Senator James Inhofe (R-Oklahoma) is in fact not gay.

"I still can't believe it myself, but there's no way this guy is gay," Rogers wrote in a statement posted to his website.  "I mean, I've interviewed just about every male escort in his home state of Oklahoma, and trolled every gay bar in Washington, D.C., and, amazingly, no one claims to have had sex with him.  Although, on a less surprising note, of the gay men I interviewed who have even heard of Senator Inhofe, two-thirds suggested that the senator go fuck himself, rather than another man, which is roughly in line with national polling."  Rogers also claims to have interviewed dozens of male congressional pages and D.C.-area interns and found nothing resembling homosexual inclinations of any kind.

What's more, police records and court documents obtained from a Freedom of Information Act request indicate that Inhofe often displays vigorously heterosexualurges.  In one police report, the three term senator is charged with disturbing the peace for reportedly having uncommonly loud sexual intercourse with one of his many mistresses in a Georgetown hotel.  In another circumstance showcasing Inhofe's robust heterosexual virility, a Fairfax, VA, strip club obtained a restraining order against him for an episode in which he behaved disorderly at the club and refused to leave until receiving a "hooter shooter" from each of the establishment's exotic dancers.

While rumors that Sen. Inhofe was not gay have been circling among Beltway insiders for months, they were not corroborated and made public until today.  The senator was not immediately available for comment, as he was "probably out bangin' some ho's", according to a staffer who answered the phone at his office.

Psychologists and political pundits have yet to develop an explanation for the novel phenomenon of a vocal gay rights opponent not being himself a raging queer.  "This is completely unprecedented," said Washington-area psychoanalyst Dr. Katherine Grunig.  "It seems like every other day we hear about some right wing douchebag having illicit homosexual relations, with Larry Craig being the latest example."  Craig, the senior senator from Idaho, was found Monday to have attempted to get his jollies off with a plainclothes cop at a Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport restroom.  The revelation about Craig follows on the heels of similar disgraces experienced by a string of socially conservative figures all found to be crazy about wanton man-on-man sex.  Some examples:

• Reverend Ted Haggard:  founder of the evangelical New Life Church; frequently preaches that homosexuality is a sin; connoisseur of male escorts and speed.
• Marine reservist and conservative darling Matt Sanchez:  friends with Ann Coulter; former gay porn performer appearing in multiple films, including the legendary Touched by an Anal.
• Former House Representative Mark Foley of Florida:  helped enact the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act covering sexually explicit internet communications with minors; enjoys sexually explicit internet communications with minors.
• Former Spokane, WA, mayor Jim West:  consistent anti-gay champion; confirmed having romantic relationships with barely legal boys.
• Former House Representative Ed Schrock of Virginia:  co-sponsor of the Federal Marriage Amendment; likes hooking up through gay phone lines.

At least one aspect of the Inhofe story was unsurprising to Dr. Grunig.  "The fact that Sen. Inhofe is, if not homosexual, than an adulterous man-whore, fits the sociological profile of a preachy moralizer, so we can at least take solace in the empirical predictions holding up in that respect," Grunig explained.  "We call this the 'Vitter Effect'," named after the hooker-loving Louisiana Senator David Vitter.  (When asked why hypocrisy concerning adultery was not called the 'Gingrich Effect', the 'Hyde Effect', or the 'Swaggart Effect', Grunig said these terms had already been used to refer to other psychiatric disorders.)

Sen. Inhofe consistently comes out against the advancement of gay rights and is widely viewed as a homophobic jackass.  He has embraced the Federal Marriage Amendment enshrining in the Constitution the definition of marriage as the union of a man and a women.  Moreover, he has said he would not back the appointment an openly gay person to any government post, nor would he hire one on his staff.  During the Clinton administration, he compared James Hormel, Clinton's openly gay ambassador to Luxembourg, to former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke.

In June of last year, Inhofe trotted out a blown up photograph of his family to the Senate floor and declared, "My wife and I have been married 47 years. We have 20 kids and grandkids. I’m really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we’ve never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship."  This ostentatious display led most Americans to assume that all of Inhofe's progeny were either gay, prostitutes, or both.  However, now that the senator's potent predilection for the opposite sex has come to light, the possibility exists that one of his sons may turn out to be a lusty lady's man just like his father.